Transitioning out of the military is one of the most humbling experiences you’ll ever go through. You go from being the person. The go-to. The experienced one. The one with rank, authority, credibility. The one who knows how the machine works.
And then one day? You’re brand new again. No rank on your chest. No position in the org chart. No automatic credibility. No one cares what your last OER or NCOER said.
Now you’re networking. And that’s where the problem starts. Because a lot of you have a hidden agenda. And it’s showing.
Networking is not optional when you leave the military. It is not a “nice to have.” It isn’t a social activity for extroverts. It isn’t corporate small talk. It is reconnaissance. It is intelligence gathering. It is mapping terrain. It is identifying avenues of approach. It is understanding the operational environment before you commit resources.
You did this instinctively in uniform. You wouldn’t walk into a village blind (hopefully). You wouldn’t step off on a target without ISR. You wouldn’t launch a mission without talking to people who had already been there.
Yet I routinely talk to transitioning service members who: Apply to 200 jobs online (without updating their resume). Get frustrated and complain that the system is broken, and then avoid actually talking to humans.
Or worse… They schedule networking calls with an agenda they’re too afraid to admit.
Let me describe a pattern I see over and over. A veteran reaches out to me on LinkedIn. “Hey Scott, I’m transitioning soon. Would love to connect and learn from your experience.”
Absolutely. 100% Let’s talk.
We get on Zoom. We exchange pleasantries. They tell me about their time in service. Their leadership. Their deployments. Their families.
Then they start circling. “Well… I’m kind of exploring a few options…” “I’m just trying to figure things out…” “I’m not sure what I want yet…”
And then eventually (after 20 minutes of vague positioning) it leaks out. They want a job. They want an introduction. They want a recommendation. They want access.
But they’re too proud to say it. So they dance around it.
Brother/Sister, Your hidden agenda is showing.
Let’s be honest about what’s happening. It’s not manipulation. It’s pride. You spent a career being competent. You were selected. Trained. Trusted. Respected.
Now you’re in a position where you don’t know the civilian terrain.
You don’t understand titles. You don’t understand salary bands. You don’t understand hiring filters. You don’t understand how your experience translates.
That is uncomfortable. So instead of saying: “I need help.” You say: “Just looking to connect.”
Instead of saying: “I’m trying to break into tech project management: can you tell me what I’m missing or who else I should talk to?”
You say: “I’m exploring some ideas.”
Instead of saying: “Would you be willing to review my resume or point me to someone hiring?”
You say: “I don’t want to impose, any advice would be appreciated.”
You’re trying to preserve dignity. But what you’re actually doing is wasting the opportunity.
In the military, pride could fuel performance. In transition, pride can stall momentum. You are not weak because you don’t know how civilian hiring works. You are not incompetent because you don’t understand how a P&L operates. You are not lesser because you need someone to explain how project portfolios work in a Fortune 500 environment.
You are simply new. And being new requires humility.
If you walk into a networking call pretending you don’t need anything (when you absolutely do) you are burning the most valuable resource you have:
Access.
Let’s correct something right now. Asking for help is not begging. Asking for clarity is not weakness. Asking for introductions is not unethical.
Here’s what begging sounds like: “Can you get me a job?” “Can you loan me some money for my truck payment?”
Here’s what professional networking sounds like: “I’m targeting roles in operations project management within healthcare organizations. I’m missing context on how hiring managers evaluate prior military leadership experience. Can you help me understand what matters most?”
That is specific. That is respectful. That is mature. And that gives the other person something actionable to respond to.
When you’re vague, you force them to do all the thinking. When you’re direct, you allow them to actually help.
Here’s something else you may not realize. The person who took the call? They’re busy. Executives. Directors. Entrepreneurs. Senior PMs. Hiring managers.
And yet they are making time for you. When they carve out 30 minutes for you, that’s a gift.
If you spend 25 of those minutes posturing instead of being clear, you’re squandering opportunity. Imagine showing up to a key leader in uniform and saying: “Sir, just wanted to connect.” No mission. No ask. No objective.
That wouldn’t fly. Yet that’s how many transition calls go.
If you get someone on the phone or Zoom, tell them what you are looking for. Not aggressively. Not awkwardly. Not apologetically.
Directly.
Here’s how to do it right.
Before you get on a networking call, answer these five questions: What role am I targeting? What industry am I targeting? What do I believe I’m missing? What specific insight am I hoping to gain? What is a reasonable ask?
Then open the call like this: “Thank you for taking the time. I want to respect it. I’m targeting X role in Y industry. I’m trying to understand Z. If by the end of this call I could walk away with clarity on A and B, that would be incredibly helpful.”
That is professional. That is confident.
That is honest. No hidden agenda. Just a clear objective.
One of the most impressive things a transitioning service member can say is: “I don’t know.” I don’t know how compensation bands work. I don’t know how to read between the lines of job descriptions. I don’t know how corporate politics influence promotion.
I don’t know what I don’t know.
That level of humility is magnetic. High performers respect it. Leaders respond to it. Because it signals maturity.
The irony? The moment you admit you don’t have all the answers, people start giving them to you.
Stop Performing. Start Learning. A lot of networking calls feel like mini job interviews. You’re performing. Reciting accomplishments. Highlighting awards. Listing credentials.
That’s fine (to a point).
But remember the purpose. This is reconnaissance. You’re there to learn.
Ask questions like: “If you were hiring someone with my background, what would concern you?” “What certifications or experience actually move the needle?” “Where do military candidates typically miss the mark?” “Who else should I be talking to?”
These are not weak questions. They are smart questions.
And smart questions create powerful conversations.
When you leave the military, you lose built-in tribe. No more daily formations. No more shared misery. No more automatic cohesion.
You have to build it again. Networking is not just about jobs. It’s about constructing a new professional unit. Advisors. Peers. Mentors. Connectors.
But that only happens if you’re real. No one bonds with a facade. People bond with honesty.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. If you’re looking for a job, say it. If you want an introduction, say it. If you’re trying to break into a specific company, say it.
You don’t have to be pushy. You do have to be clear. There’s a massive difference between: “Can you get me hired?” And: “I’m very interested in Company X. Based on what you know, do you think my background aligns? And if so, would you feel comfortable pointing me toward the right person to speak with?”
Clarity builds trust. Hidden agendas erode it.
Here’s something I need you to internalize. You were selected for military service. For leadership. For special assignments. For responsibility under pressure.
You can absolutely be selected again. But selection in the civilian world runs on relationships. Not just resumes. Not just applications. Relationships.
But relationships require vulnerability. Not oversharing (please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP OVERSHARING). Not emotional dumping. Not desperation.
Just simple, professional honesty.
When you drop the pride. When you drop the posturing. When you drop the vague positioning.
Something powerful happens. The call changes. The other person leans in. They start thinking creatively. They offer introductions you didn’t even know existed. They tell you the unfiltered truth. They give you shortcuts.
But that only happens when they know what you actually need. You cannot receive targeted help with a concealed objective.
After every networking call, conduct an AAR. Ask yourself: Was I clear about my objective? Did I ask specific questions? Did I listen more than I talked? Did I make it easy for them to help me? Did I follow up with gratitude and action?
Networking is a skill. And like any skill, it improves with deliberate practice. Not random outreach. Not mass connection requests. Not collecting LinkedIn contacts like Baseball cards.
Deliberate, intentional conversations.
There are incredible people willing to help you. Executives who respect military service. Veterans who’ve gone before you. Leaders who remember what it felt like to be new. But they cannot help what they cannot see.
And right now? Your hidden agenda is showing.
Drop it.
Be direct. Be humble. Be clear. Be willing to admit you don’t have all the answers.
You spent years learning how to operate in uncertain environments.
This is just a new one.
Network aggressively. Ask intelligently. Learn relentlessly.
And above all: Quit wasting opportunities with awesome people because you’re too proud to admit you need their time or help.
Frag Out.
